Thea sighed, resting her chin on my shoulder. Her hair tickled my neck, but I won’t say anything about it, because I’m just glad that she’s here; that she’s near me at all. Her breath is soft, light, and almost nonexistent. The thought brings on a shutter I have to suppress, or risk disturbing her. I can’t risk anything with her right now, or ever again. Not after today, not after what I saw.
“Sirius…” she whispers my name in that way that only she can. In that way that drives me crazy. Like her voice is a light kiss that leaves me craving more.
I can’t respond I can’t look her in the eye, not without cringing. We all thought she better. I thought she was better with me. I did everything I could to protect her, no one could hurt her anymore; except herself. I spent so much time keeping her away from the world, then world that had hurt her so much before, that I became the one that hurt her.
“Love, you can’t ignore me forever.” She says placing a hand on my cheek turning my face towards hers.
Love. That word is going to haunt my nightmares from now on. That’s what she called me sitting there in a hospital bed.
“Thea please…” I said begging her. I need her to tell me what went so wrong. Tell me why she did it.
“No, Sirius, you can’t treat me like that again. I’m not a porcelain doll, I’m just me.” She says, but I can’t believe her, not when I’ve seen the life leave her eyes.
The vision of her sitting there, like any other day, like nothing was wrong, while blood runs down her arms, it will never leave me. Two days ago I nearly lost Thea, my life, my love, my everything; she almost took herself away from me.
“Why, why did you do it?” I ask my voice but a whisper in the dark. I feel myself shaking, but I’m powerless to stop it. These events of the past few days tell me I’m powerless to stop anything.
She pulls away from me. I feel the mattress shift as she gets up. I hear her light footsteps as her thin frame moves around the room to stand in front of me. Her eyes are bright again, full of life and energy and the girl I have loved since I was eleven. She puts her hands on my shoulders, and looks me in the eye. She’s so tiny, so fragile. Scars crisscross her arms, the newest ones bright, angry red. I look away.
“I never meant to hurt you. I just had a moment where I was back in that house, they were screaming and she hit me. I don’t know why I did it, I just did. I never meant for them to be that deep, and before I even did it I regretted it.” She says her voice trembling. “Stop it!” she yells at me after a moment. She removes her hands from my shoulders, and wraps them around herself. This is want she does when she’s angry at me. “Stop thinking this is your fault. I know you well enough to know that look, that’s the look you have whenever I’m hurt, or when you’ve had a bad day. That’s your ‘Everything is my fault’ face, and I don’t like it. This is no one’s fault, and it won’t ever happen again, but if you keep looking at me like that I’m going to leave. I love you, God Sirius, I love you, but I will walk out that door if you keep doing this because it means that you can’t handle it. And if you can’t handle all of it anymore then I won’t make you.”
I hate it when she does this, when she says she’ll leave, because I know she will. She did once, I couldn’t convince her to come back for a month.
“I love you too, more than anything.” I say pulling her into my arms.
She gets back on the bed and curls up in my embrace. I vow to myself never to let her go again. She presses her lips to my cheek, and I smile at her in response. I can’t imagine my life without her, so I’m not keen on letting that ever happen.
“Don’t leave, Thea, don’t ever leave.” I whisper into her hair.
It’s these few moments like this that all at once I’m in awe of how much I love and in shock of how much she has changed me over the years. Even a few years ago I never would have said that out loud, I would never have let her know that I need her.